A blank feeling sets in;

I am aware of my disabilities, I am aware of my self-conciousness. I continue to struggle [to love myself] and fight for happiness...will it ever come with opportunity? "There is no happiness without discontent." Well let me be the one to tell you that there is no happiness WITH discontent. What am I even saying? I want to write and I know I'm good, yet I sit here with no motivation, what's left? "

["The stars lean down to kiss you, and I lie awake and miss you; pour me a heavy dose of atmoshpere, cause I'll dose of safe and soundly, but I'll miss your arms around me; I'll send a postcard to you dear, cause I wish you were here.."]

And another moment spent alone, another moment in peace; for you my love I wait forever, until the day we both decease. Come with me, I will show you...but will I want to lead? Will I want to go? Will I find what I'm looking for? What am I looking for? And as I answer these questions within my own mind, something still remains...A motionless, voiceless, heartless piece of uncontrollable images flow from within me.

Spend a couple minutes in the room of insanity, and everything falls into place, but one question is left unsaid...

Why?

Dear Diary;

Dear Diary,

I no longer feel; only see. As long as my mind is my own, I will be okay. I am safe within myself, and knowing that brings me great comfort. I have went several months without writing a new blog, this one will not be inspiring or anything along those lines, just real..



Owl City has become my best friend; times are hard, I turn to Vanilla Twilight. Phoenix has been there for me just as much as The Spill Canvas. Why does my heart hurt? Why am I numb, but at the same time severely internally damaged [to the bone]?



It's never a good idea for me to think too much; I live my life in constant regret and remorse; I have no respect for myself, and I don't believe I will ever attain the strength to forgive myself for my past. I have tried for years now to love myself, is that even possible for someone like me?



[I will never forget, I do not regret, and will I not let myself become upset]

Those words help me every day, but am I beyond [help]? Breathe, smile, make sure they know that you're okay...[but are you]?...Am I?