A blank feeling sets in;

I am aware of my disabilities, I am aware of my self-conciousness. I continue to struggle [to love myself] and fight for happiness...will it ever come with opportunity? "There is no happiness without discontent." Well let me be the one to tell you that there is no happiness WITH discontent. What am I even saying? I want to write and I know I'm good, yet I sit here with no motivation, what's left? "

["The stars lean down to kiss you, and I lie awake and miss you; pour me a heavy dose of atmoshpere, cause I'll dose of safe and soundly, but I'll miss your arms around me; I'll send a postcard to you dear, cause I wish you were here.."]

And another moment spent alone, another moment in peace; for you my love I wait forever, until the day we both decease. Come with me, I will show you...but will I want to lead? Will I want to go? Will I find what I'm looking for? What am I looking for? And as I answer these questions within my own mind, something still remains...A motionless, voiceless, heartless piece of uncontrollable images flow from within me.

Spend a couple minutes in the room of insanity, and everything falls into place, but one question is left unsaid...

Why?

Dear Diary;

Dear Diary,

I no longer feel; only see. As long as my mind is my own, I will be okay. I am safe within myself, and knowing that brings me great comfort. I have went several months without writing a new blog, this one will not be inspiring or anything along those lines, just real..



Owl City has become my best friend; times are hard, I turn to Vanilla Twilight. Phoenix has been there for me just as much as The Spill Canvas. Why does my heart hurt? Why am I numb, but at the same time severely internally damaged [to the bone]?



It's never a good idea for me to think too much; I live my life in constant regret and remorse; I have no respect for myself, and I don't believe I will ever attain the strength to forgive myself for my past. I have tried for years now to love myself, is that even possible for someone like me?



[I will never forget, I do not regret, and will I not let myself become upset]

Those words help me every day, but am I beyond [help]? Breathe, smile, make sure they know that you're okay...[but are you]?...Am I?

What is left;

Sometimes you lose the people that you care most about, but you always have to remember not to lose yourself. The struggle within yourself is the genocide of your life, and who is to know when this battle will cease? I'm always thinking of the next time I will hold you for the few seconds that I get to. You are my home, and my strength. You'll always have my heart, even if you don't think you do. It will never be over, at least not for me. Let me just look into your eyes. Let me smile with the deep compassion that I hold for you. Just know I always will. You were always number one, and I'm sorry you didn't see that. I won't ever say goodbye to you, but as for now, I will see you soon. I love you.

What happens when you turn into your own worst enemy?

Change;

It's like everyday is becoming more and more of a challenge. Keeping my composure is starting to get extremely difficult. Change...well, for one, I'm not comfortable with the way things are turning out. I do not like how things are now, and I'd rather rip my fucking eyes out than continue with this.
It's extremely easy to think about it, but when actually talking about, is when the emotions start to pour out of me. Two sentences is all I can usually get through until the conversation gets interrupted. Nothing is a safe room for me anymore, my word trade is now cut off. No matter how many times I say "I love you" or "I miss you" things never change. First you don't want it, then when it happens, you want it to change back. Ha, funny how change works, huh?

I feel like it's been a hundred days on this deserted island called "my life". I'm looking out towards nothing but blue thinking "how the fuck did I get here?" The sun is beaming, but the night comes quick. What am I to do with all this dark? I feel like my own worst enemy. Counting the days until your ship finally sees me, and until then, I am stranded.

Another Day;

Another day, another sunrise, another day that I feel lost in my own mind. Another day with no plan, I am recklessly wandering since my life has began. Another day in black and white, another day is all I need, another day that kills me slowly, until that day I will proceed.

Another night that will go black, another night to hide my face, another night that all I long for the is the day when we embrace. Another night that I will sleep, another night I cannot see, another night that I will live through at a tolerable degree.

Another time this will make more sense, another time is coming soon, then will come another day and another night lit moon.

Rest In Peace Robby;

Earlier I found out that my friend Robby Sessions passed away. He'd been drinking, and fell off of a balcony and landed on his head. It is just starting to hit me, and I'm starting to think more about life, and death especially. All of these people, some being friends, are all dying and it's scaring me. What if I'm next? Or Anthony? Or one of my best friends? I will really miss sharing cigarettes with Robby at Mobile during lunch, and seeing him riding his bike everywhere, and falling on his ass. I'll miss our random conversations.

I'm just really happy that I got to talk to him on Tuesday at the Half Shell, and I got to see him one last time. I will truly miss his smile. He was actually starting to change his life, and then two days after his 21st birthday, he was gone. This changes my whole perspective on drinking. Robby, I am so sorry, and I know that you're looking down on me right now, wondering why I am so sad. I hope you truly rest in peace. Visit me in my dreams tonight, and tell me that you're okay, just so I can be content. Love you bud.

You're everything;

You're in every thought I think, and every dream I dream, You're face in every crowd, on every person that I see. You're every little boy smiling at his mom, you are every single meaning in every single song. Everyday you are the sunrise, and every night you are the sunset, you're every cloud that passes by, I will never forget. You're every drop of Jupiter, you're every tear I shed, you're every prayer I pray, when I lay in bed.

You're every book I read, on every single page, you're every face in the audience when I am on stage. You appear in every painting and every single dream, you're smile reflects brighter, than any other sunbeam. You are every laugh, you are every smile, you're the only reason that every thing's worthwhile. You're courage, you're love, you're happiness and more, your memories and friendship were more than I could wish for.